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[10 Jul 2003|11:16pm] |
*wakes up at midnight with head suck in a bucket of water and struggles vainly to get free*
...Damn vampire...
....
*looses consciousness again*
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[07 Jul 2003|10:57pm] |
I didn't think he would be rash enough to follow me directly into a city...much less be so bold as to announce he was looking for me. I have two options, stay and fight or run. Things are better for everyone if I leave. While I'm here I'm endangering Helm and I'm not as comfortable fighting in enclosed spaces as I am in the wild. There are too many people here...too many people who might be him.
...I'm not going back with him. I'd rather die than be his pet again.
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[30 Jun 2003|04:47pm] |
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Still trapped in the rubble. The problem with being a wraith is that I can't precisely die from hunger although it seems to keep getting worse. I hope the rescue team is palatable... Faugh. I'm starting to think like Nine.
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[27 Jun 2003|03:25pm] |
So. Minas Tirith fell down. Rather beautiful to see everything to crumble in on itself covering everything in a fine white-grey dust. I came out with Helm... I should've stayed out. But I didn't. I needed to got back in and destroy any evidence of Helm's "assassins"... Numbers eleven and twelve should've still been alive and if they survived...I hope they didn't...
But I got lost and when I was looking for the right staircase, there was bit of a tremor and now I trapped in someone's closet with a chunk of ceiling caved in on the other. Am very hungry. Why couldn't I have gotten stuck in the pantry? Cotton isn' palateable at all.
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[18 Jun 2003|09:40pm] |
I've picked up a new hobby in Minas Tirith during my stay here - collecting people who've attempted to assasinate Helm. So far there have been seventeen attempts. Five are still alive while I decide how to dispose of them. I've already killed the other eleven. One thinks he has escaped but I'll find him yet.
The best part Helm doesn't know and I have a suitable excuse for what I've done if I were ever to be found out. Now to get all the blood out from under my fingernails and check in with Helm. Death number eleven was a bit...messy.
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[03 Jun 2003|12:40am] |
We've just gotten the report that Aragorn is dead and Minas Tirith is now a part of Rohan. Although I've been warey about this war and the impact it may eventually have on Helm Rohan, it's remarkable how the words "Aragorn is dead" can improve one's mood.
Not that I was at all bitter...no... I just rather like the sound of words "Aragorn is dead." Mmmm.
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[01 Jun 2003|01:08am] |
Under it all is a thirst for power isn't it? My interest has never rested so much in theoretical borders and territories as it has in the concrete physicality of the human body. He does not touch me anymore without a slight quickening of the pulse and its satifying to know that a few deft movements would leave him gasping...in pain or pleasure, it's all the same but still I'm always so careful...so very careful.
My interests do no start and stop with lust...if they did I would've killed him long before this. He trusts me now. It's been hard earned but the underlying tenseness is gone and he's stopped trying to push me away. He's mine...
I should be overjoyed at my success but I'm not. I'm in a position to corrupt him now...only to find myself corrupted.
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[23 May 2003|07:24pm] |
I'm heading in the wrong direction - back to Edoras. Where I am going to get married to Helm.
........ajskldf;jdkal;jaklsjdkfl;!!
This really wasn't supposed to happen. I was only trying to put him off. Didn't think he'd ever agree to it and couldn't say "I was really only trying to get you to leave in a huff." after he asked if that was what I was doing and I had insinuated that it wasn't.
However the really unexpected, disturbing thing about this is how much his answer pleased me..... I've never had anyone want me back desperately enough that they'd agree to marriage. I don't tend to have long term relationships. Though of course that's mostly due to my homicidal tendancies. Still I haven't tried to kill him yet...there's something about Helm.
Maybe it could work out?
Dammit. It's disgusting how blissfully smitten I am. *closes eyes*
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[22 May 2003|12:39pm] |
This shouldn't bother me at all. Why does it matter to me that Helm believes Erkenbrand's racist bullshit? I don't care about the genocide that is currently going on. I don't feel for the poor innocent souls being wiped out. To do it on such a large scale seems wasteful but I'd be just as inclined to kill any one of them under the right conditions as it pleased me.
Even if being part Easterling caused Helm to decide I'm evil incarnate... ironically he would be right. I could admit to being the sum of the worst of all men and laugh. But that's because I've chosen to be, not because I was born to it. And then for him - the one person I've been angelically good to, who I've even considered changing for - for him to throw my family, my people, in my face as a sign of inherent evil....
*clenches hands until the knuckles go white and fingernails bite into his palms* I could show him real evil...I could...
But in the end I'd be doing nothing but proving his argument for him. I need to leave.
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[20 May 2003|10:17pm] |
It’s time I left. Past time. I shouldn’t have come back. I shouldn’t have even started on this foolish enterprise. What did I think I’d gain? A month or two of amusement before trying my hand at toppling a country? The discipline required to earn a prey’s trust completely before betrayal? I should’ve left when I began to suspect I wouldn’t skewer Helm on his own sword if given the opportunity.
I knew what I was before this. There is something noble and straightforward about acting on the most basic human impulses, unashamed and unhindered by moral and convention. There is something proud in being strong enough in body and spirit to be able to do what I wished as it pleased me. But now to find that I may have some remnants of an active conscience makes me hideous. Suddenly I’m prey to the same hypocrisy, the same weakness I’ve despised in others. How can I avoid despising myself?
*sits on the bed and stares unhappily out the window*
I should leave. But I don’t want to. I want him. Leaving would be an act of mercy, something smacking of pious denial or fear. It would be a retreat. If I stay I’m in equal danger of abandoning my plans for him…or perhaps worse…success. I’m trapped.
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[16 May 2003|10:58pm] |
Am rather disturbed by the lack of concern Helm has displayed reguarding his personal safety and security of rule. The man is entirely too trusting...which I have to keep reminding myself is a good thing...for me at least. Trying to instill a sense of caution could backfire if not handled delicately.
My two goals have shifted to winning his trust while putting him on his guard against others and keeping him alive on his throne if at all possible.
Right and those goals partly explain why I have not visited Erkenbrand all this week...because I been busy...with Helm...quite a bit actually...notsmittenatall...just professional advancement of interests...
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[09 May 2003|08:33pm] |
I've returned to Rohan and the more I see, the more I dislike the changes... or maybe not even the changes as much as the feeling that something is going on and that I don't know precisely what - much less have any control over the situation. I shouldn't have left.
Apparently noone has seen Helm lately so I'm looking for him myself. Somehow I doubt that approaching Erkenbrand and asking politely will get me anywhere. I'll be vexed if Helm has been hurt...simply because I'd hate to have wasted so much...energy on him.
He's just a pawn
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[01 May 2003|09:18pm] |
My death and subsequent absence has not been noticed. Princess Hanild seems safe, comfortable and happy. I am, for the most part trusted. I should be pleased on every count but there is a vague dissatisfaction growing in the back of my skull that is upsetting. I don't want to continue with my original plan and I am having difficulty sorting out if this is weakness on my part or merely a shifting of objectives.
Mn. I wish to return to Rohan. Some time alone would no doubt sort things out. Am too pressed amongst people here. Have not properly killed anything in a long time. I think I will speak to Hanild about the matter she would no doubt enjoy the chance to send me off and perhaps if handled discretely Helm will not mind my return either.
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[26 Apr 2003|04:08pm] |
Damn. If it looks like Aragorn, sounds like Aragorn, I should've assumed it would fight like Aragorn as well. low growl Should've handled it less directly but I am a fool.
I had recovered at midnight and returned to my post at watching Hanild. I don't think she even noticed I was gone. It's a good thing black cloth hides bloodstains tolerably well.
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[24 Apr 2003|06:40pm] |
...I didn't actually kill anything two night back on my day off. Could have but didn't. There was no challenge to it and if I cannot take pleasure in a death, I refuse to be wasteful with it. Has nothing to do with recent issues involving Helm. Not at all. ...
Have been keeping a close watch on Hanild. I lothe Minas Tirith. Have considered just abandoning everything and leaving. If not for the vague feeling that Vanyon is still prowling around the edges of the city I would.
Need to refocus on the task at hand.
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[21 Apr 2003|02:47am] |
Princess Hanild has given me the night off. I needed it if just to keep from giving up all ulterior motives and smacking her upside the head a few time in full daylight in front of everyone. Obnoxious hateful brat... seethes
But to be brutally honest she's not the main reason I needed this night off. I'm starting to waver a bit on my objectives and this cannot be permitted. The deciever must at all times know with harsh and painful clarity the difference between reality and the fiction he weaves, else he is no better than the decieved. ...I'm afraid that I've begun to loose that clarity. I've told them lies for so long with such sincerety that I'm beginning to believe those lies myself. What a fool I am.
On the other hand - would it be so bad if I did reform? Or maybe not reform so much as change my objective. Certainly it's necessary for a person to adapt as life changes, changing habits of behavior to suit one's best intrest. ...Damn Helm. I'm going soft for a man I don't have the slightest bit of respect for. But still...
low growl I need to kill something....maybe one of the city's homeless. Something small that won't be missed for several days. Something to clear my head... Slips into the streets and alley of Minas Tirith in search of something to hunt and kill before dawn
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[13 Apr 2003|05:56pm] |
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I'm growing tired of playing the servant and beginning to feel my nerves rubbed raw from the primary reasons I've chosen to hunt in relative isolation for so long. They're everywhere, these blood and puss filled beasts. Their yammering is shrill, vapid and all the more disgusting for being intelligible. Dirty filth covered things, less tolerable than dumb animals for having some idea of what they are. Even their smell is too intrusively alive - more disturbing than the sickly sweet decay of a corpse. If I were alone I could hunt them down one by one until i was fully sated with their blood.
I could, but I have my quarry already - an exercise in self restraint more than anything else. If I were to kill here in Edoras they would become more alert and I could loose my chance. I cannot afford to loose focus if even just to pick off a grimy street urchin. Not here. I will be in Minas Tirith shortly in any case. It'll be larger, and safer to kill in. They have enough people moving though that they won't think to suspect Princess Hanild's loyal bodyguard.
Patience. Especially with the king recovering some of his spine. I have handled him gently as I would a newborn kitten and it is important to him in mind that if I slip with him, I could very easily end up with more than a scratch face. I can't afford to push him too fast or let him entirely recover his balance. So I watch, wait and continue with acting my part. My time will come soon enough.
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[11 Apr 2003|04:49pm] |
Thanks to garnering my Lord's ...trust, I am now the lovely Princess Hanild's bodyguard. This pleases me. Of course she is inclined to be suspicious after walking in on me kissing her father but the tension created by this amuses me. An idea has started to take shape and I do not need the little wench's support, trust or approval to implement it. ...Although... We will see. Winning her over could be a nice bonus.
Patience. Patience and self control is everything. I can play the cringingly loyal servant and curb my homicidal urges for a time since it suits my ends. Anyone can corrupt and destroy but it takes a true artist to pick apart a soul and evoke not just screams of grief but cries of joy as well. I will be their death and they will thank me for it. They are fortunate to be so chosen.
The King's hesitance regarding me remains. Even though I enjoy pushing him from fear to need to desire - each change of emotion a small victory to be savored - even though I find his uncertainty far more enticing than than any cloying affection he might lavish upon me, I need to find a way to bind him to me now so that when I return with terrible news about his daughter he does not harden against me. So before I leave, I've determined to redouble my ...attention...
When I'm with him, sometimes I wonder how he will change after his daughter is gone... Will the small moaning sound he makes as I pass my hands around his hips be tinged with stifled tears...or will he be mute in passive shock - allowing me to do with him what I will? Perhaps eventually his careful-awkward kisses will sublimate in a frenzy of despair driven passion - ecstasy marked by a harsh keening wail. So I attend him closely - committing to memory every breath, sigh, moan and shiver for analyzation later. Pain and pleasure are closely linked after all. One cannot excel at inflicting one without knowing how to give the other.
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[09 Apr 2003|04:43pm] |
Have spent the past month or so as Vanyon's plaything which was more humiliating than painful although it included a good deal of both. Never trust a vampire's word. I think I will savor repeatly driving a stake through his clammy pale skin until he is hoarse from screaming and choaking on his own filty blood and bile. But it is enough that I have escaped him for now. There is time for revenge later.
I arrived at Edoras last night to find the King more pliant than a lost child. It became apparent through the course of the evening that he is on the brink of loosing his throne, his family and possibly his sanity. My first thought was to ingrain myself into his good will and from a position of safety pick off the peasantry at my leisure as I had done in Ithilien but I did not expect such a willing and interesting subject...
His need for someone else last night was practically tangible. I simply filled a role that another more kindhearted soul wouldn't have encouraged. Distress can be a powerful motivator. Even so, I didn't expect him to be so compliant. He accepted my guise of an infatuated, grateful servant almost without question. As I wound myself around him it occured to me how quickly, how easily I could snap his neck or strangle him slowly mid-moan with nothing more than a brief thrashing of limbs for air that would never come. But I did not. My lovely one has potential meriting much more than a simple murder.
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[15 Feb 2003|04:45pm] |
I've been in prision in Ithilien for nearly five months now. Erendis needed to put someone away for a string of murders she committed a little too near the city limits of Minas Illith and since she knew where she could find me and that I wouldn't have an alibi, here I am. I am not pleased with her.
But my escape is planned and very soon I will have my revenge.
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